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funny quotes (163)

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen   Category: Funny

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen   Category: Funny

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen   Category: Funny

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen   Category: Funny

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen   Category: Funny

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen   Category: Funny

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine   Category: Funny

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry   Category: Funny

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry   Category: Funny

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley   Category: Funny

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley   Category: Funny

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle   Category: Funny

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra   Category: Funny

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra   Category: Funny

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings   Category: Funny

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck   Category: Funny

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck   Category: Funny

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck   Category: Funny

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler   Category: Funny

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler   Category: Funny

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner   Category: Funny

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks   Category: Funny

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks   Category: Funny

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown   Category: Funny

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce   Category: Funny

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett   Category: Funny

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns   Category: Funny

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns   Category: Funny

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns   Category: Funny

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler   Category: Funny

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne   Category: Funny

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin   Category: Funny

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin   Category: Funny

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin   Category: Funny

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey   Category: Funny

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase   Category: Funny

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton   Category: Funny

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge   Category: Funny

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby   Category: Funny

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby   Category: Funny

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby   Category: Funny

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Funny

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Funny

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis   Category: Funny

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis   Category: Funny

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson   Category: Funny

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres   Category: Funny

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres   Category: Funny

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres   Category: Funny

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Angie Dickinson   Category: Funny

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller   Category: Funny

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney   Category: Funny

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields   Category: Funny

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields   Category: Funny

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields   Category: Funny

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry   Category: Funny

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor   Category: Funny

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn   Category: Funny

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore   Category: Funny

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite   Category: Funny

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett   Category: Funny

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Funny

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Funny

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Funny

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod   Category: Funny

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock   Category: Funny

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover   Category: Funny

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope   Category: Funny

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope   Category: Funny