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Woody Allen quotes (78)

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen   Category: Nature

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen   Category: Marriage

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
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Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
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He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen   Category: Funny

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
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I am two with nature.
Woody Allen   Category: Nature

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen   Category: Funny

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
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I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen   Category: Food

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
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I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
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If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody Allen   Category: Movies

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen   Category: Funny

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
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In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
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In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
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Marriage is the death of hope.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen   Category: Money

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
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My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
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Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
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Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
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Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
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