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W. C. Fields quotes (63)

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields   Category:

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. Fields   Category:

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields   Category:

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W. C. Fields   Category: Politics

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields   Category: Equality

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields   Category: Funny

I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields   Category: Funny

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields   Category: Funny

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields   Category:

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields   Category:

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields   Category: Success

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields   Category:

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
W. C. Fields   Category:

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. Fields   Category:

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
W. C. Fields   Category:

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W. C. Fields   Category:

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields   Category:

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
W. C. Fields   Category:

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields   Category: Food

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields   Category: Travel

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields   Category: Humor

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields   Category:

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields   Category:

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields   Category:

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields   Category:

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
W. C. Fields   Category:

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields   Category:

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. Fields   Category:

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields   Category:

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields   Category: Trust