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Steven Wright quotes (98)

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright   Category: Fitness

At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright   Category:

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright   Category:

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright   Category: Funny

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright   Category: Pet

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright   Category:

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright   Category:

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright   Category:

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright   Category:

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright   Category: Humor

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright   Category: Birthday

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright   Category:

Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright   Category:

How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright   Category:

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright   Category: Funny

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright   Category:

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright   Category: Legal

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright   Category:

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright   Category:

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright   Category:

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright   Category:

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright   Category:

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright   Category: Car

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright   Category:

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright   Category:

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright   Category:

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright   Category: Car

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright   Category:

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright   Category: Funny

I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright   Category:

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright   Category:

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Steven Wright   Category:

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright   Category:

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright   Category:

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright   Category: Pet

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright   Category:

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright   Category: Birthday

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright   Category: Car

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright   Category:

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright   Category:

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright   Category:

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright   Category:

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright   Category:

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright   Category:

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright   Category:

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright   Category: Poetry

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright   Category:

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright   Category:

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright   Category:

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright   Category:

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright   Category:

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright   Category:

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright   Category:

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright   Category:

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright   Category:

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright   Category:

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright   Category:

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright   Category:

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright   Category:

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright   Category:

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright   Category:

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright   Category:

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright   Category:

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright   Category:

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Steven Wright   Category:

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright   Category:

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright   Category:

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright   Category:

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright   Category:

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright   Category: