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Rodney Dangerfield quotes (57)

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Funny

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Funny

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Pet

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Sports

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Marriage

Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Pet

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category: Medical

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield   Category:

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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