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Phyllis Diller quotes (37)

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller   Category: Funny

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller   Category:

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller   Category:

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller   Category: Parenting

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller   Category: Anger

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Phyllis Diller   Category:

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller   Category:

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller   Category: