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Mitch Hedberg quotes (61)

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Food

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Funny

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Birthday

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Funny

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: Funny

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg   Category:

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg   Category: