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Groucho Marx quotes (70)

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx   Category:

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx   Category: Funny

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx   Category: Medical

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx   Category:

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Groucho Marx   Category: Humor

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx   Category: Funny

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx   Category:

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Go, and never darken my towels again.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Humor is reason gone mad.
Groucho Marx   Category: Humor

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx   Category: Funny

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx   Category: Marriage

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Groucho Marx   Category: Medical

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx   Category:

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx   Category:

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Groucho Marx   Category:

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx   Category:

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx   Category:

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx   Category: Marriage

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx   Category:

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx   Category:

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Groucho Marx   Category:

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Groucho Marx   Category:

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx   Category:

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx   Category: Marriage

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx   Category:

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx   Category: Beauty

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Groucho Marx   Category:

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx   Category:

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx   Category:

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Groucho Marx   Category:

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx   Category:

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx   Category: